Top Ten Implausible Harry Potter Fic Premises From The Pit of Voles
12.29.2006
I'm no Minerva McTabby and this isn't Summary Execution, but I'll give it a good old never-went-to-college try...
10. For some reason Hogwarts decides to add a sex ed class and even though in the books it's 10 students in the Trio's year for Gryffindor and 20 if you slot it dual-house, there's miraculously an uneven number of students that forces Snape (oh, did I mention that Dumbledore thought he'd be the best person to teach this?) to pair up with Hermione and leads to inevitable hands-on "sex ed" ala bad porn film.
9. Any story whose summary contains the words "This story is based on true events". It's a fantasy land from a book series about magic. There is no way anything in your story happened to you in your life unless you're talking in the most vague sense of comparison or you were on a LOT of drugs at the time.
8. Severitus. Along with other alternate-paternity fics. Cuz, yunno, Lily was a giant slut like that.
7. "What if everything we ever read in JK Rowling’s books was real – including the people characterized?" Can't you at least try to be a bit more creative about the fact that you're about to Mary Sue yourself? The story's going to suck no matter what, but you could at least LOOK like you're putting effort into it.
6. My Mary Sue goes back in time/already exists in the 1970s because of course everyone knows that in the two or three years of schooling where guys actually want to date girls plus the four years between their graduation and Halloween 1981, Sirius and/or Remus absolutely MUST have had a soulmate with whom their ever-so-perfect relationship was destroyed because of that night.
5. Harry Potter is a neglected second son because <insert male name> Potter is the Boy-Who-Lived and the Gryffindor and everyone thinks he's the Chosen One, while 'Harry' Potter is a Slytherin and kicks total ass but nobody recognizes his greatness. Meaning, in actuality, the author wanted to write a Slytherin male lead but aren't desperate enough to try and turn Draco into the Boy-Who-Lived, so they renamed Harry to <insert male name> and gave the now free 'Harry Potter' designation to their original male character.
4. Draco/Ginny, Draco/Hermione, Draco/pretty much anyone. I'm sorry, it's not UST that causes him to fight with Ginny and Hermione. He's just a fucking prick. They hate each other. Hatred. It does happen once in a while. Seriously. It does.
3. Harry Potter being sexually abused by a Dursley. Cuz, yunno, they'd really wanna stick their cock up the ass of a 'freak', even if they WERE homosexually-inclined.
2. Anything involving #3-#10 and assertions of compliance with the canon in ANY of the books.
1. Slash.
10. For some reason Hogwarts decides to add a sex ed class and even though in the books it's 10 students in the Trio's year for Gryffindor and 20 if you slot it dual-house, there's miraculously an uneven number of students that forces Snape (oh, did I mention that Dumbledore thought he'd be the best person to teach this?) to pair up with Hermione and leads to inevitable hands-on "sex ed" ala bad porn film.
9. Any story whose summary contains the words "This story is based on true events". It's a fantasy land from a book series about magic. There is no way anything in your story happened to you in your life unless you're talking in the most vague sense of comparison or you were on a LOT of drugs at the time.
8. Severitus. Along with other alternate-paternity fics. Cuz, yunno, Lily was a giant slut like that.
7. "What if everything we ever read in JK Rowling’s books was real – including the people characterized?" Can't you at least try to be a bit more creative about the fact that you're about to Mary Sue yourself? The story's going to suck no matter what, but you could at least LOOK like you're putting effort into it.
6. My Mary Sue goes back in time/already exists in the 1970s because of course everyone knows that in the two or three years of schooling where guys actually want to date girls plus the four years between their graduation and Halloween 1981, Sirius and/or Remus absolutely MUST have had a soulmate with whom their ever-so-perfect relationship was destroyed because of that night.
5. Harry Potter is a neglected second son because <insert male name> Potter is the Boy-Who-Lived and the Gryffindor and everyone thinks he's the Chosen One, while 'Harry' Potter is a Slytherin and kicks total ass but nobody recognizes his greatness. Meaning, in actuality, the author wanted to write a Slytherin male lead but aren't desperate enough to try and turn Draco into the Boy-Who-Lived, so they renamed Harry to <insert male name> and gave the now free 'Harry Potter' designation to their original male character.
4. Draco/Ginny, Draco/Hermione, Draco/pretty much anyone. I'm sorry, it's not UST that causes him to fight with Ginny and Hermione. He's just a fucking prick. They hate each other. Hatred. It does happen once in a while. Seriously. It does.
3. Harry Potter being sexually abused by a Dursley. Cuz, yunno, they'd really wanna stick their cock up the ass of a 'freak', even if they WERE homosexually-inclined.
2. Anything involving #3-#10 and assertions of compliance with the canon in ANY of the books.
1. Slash.
Labels: you fail at life
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