Step In To My Parlor...: 12.2006

Top Ten Implausible Harry Potter Fic Premises From The Pit of Voles

12.29.2006 | 0 Comments

I'm no Minerva McTabby and this isn't Summary Execution, but I'll give it a good old never-went-to-college try...

10. For some reason Hogwarts decides to add a sex ed class and even though in the books it's 10 students in the Trio's year for Gryffindor and 20 if you slot it dual-house, there's miraculously an uneven number of students that forces Snape (oh, did I mention that Dumbledore thought he'd be the best person to teach this?) to pair up with Hermione and leads to inevitable hands-on "sex ed" ala bad porn film.

9. Any story whose summary contains the words "This story is based on true events". It's a fantasy land from a book series about magic. There is no way anything in your story happened to you in your life unless you're talking in the most vague sense of comparison or you were on a LOT of drugs at the time.

8. Severitus. Along with other alternate-paternity fics. Cuz, yunno, Lily was a giant slut like that.

7. "What if everything we ever read in JK Rowling’s books was real – including the people characterized?" Can't you at least try to be a bit more creative about the fact that you're about to Mary Sue yourself? The story's going to suck no matter what, but you could at least LOOK like you're putting effort into it.

6. My Mary Sue goes back in time/already exists in the 1970s because of course everyone knows that in the two or three years of schooling where guys actually want to date girls plus the four years between their graduation and Halloween 1981, Sirius and/or Remus absolutely MUST have had a soulmate with whom their ever-so-perfect relationship was destroyed because of that night.

5. Harry Potter is a neglected second son because <insert male name> Potter is the Boy-Who-Lived and the Gryffindor and everyone thinks he's the Chosen One, while 'Harry' Potter is a Slytherin and kicks total ass but nobody recognizes his greatness. Meaning, in actuality, the author wanted to write a Slytherin male lead but aren't desperate enough to try and turn Draco into the Boy-Who-Lived, so they renamed Harry to <insert male name> and gave the now free 'Harry Potter' designation to their original male character.

4. Draco/Ginny, Draco/Hermione, Draco/pretty much anyone. I'm sorry, it's not UST that causes him to fight with Ginny and Hermione. He's just a fucking prick. They hate each other. Hatred. It does happen once in a while. Seriously. It does.

3. Harry Potter being sexually abused by a Dursley. Cuz, yunno, they'd really wanna stick their cock up the ass of a 'freak', even if they WERE homosexually-inclined.

2. Anything involving #3-#10 and assertions of compliance with the canon in ANY of the books.

1. Slash.

Labels: you fail at life

posted by JoeHundredaire @ 11:45 PM

'nother Rant

12.28.2006 | 0 Comments

This is a review of a fic over on TtH that just made me sorta blink. There is, of course, no name attached to the reviewer, the author, or the story because if you're reading this, you'll probably recognize the story based on the information given. And on to the meat of things...

This isn't really about a specific chapter, but rather a feedback on both stories to this point. You're doing pretty good so far in blending the universes. There were a couple of spelling and grammar issues, but who hasn't had those. Once upon a time, when using spellchecker while half awake, I turned "herfear" into "heifer", which was then dutifully posted and remained up for two weeks until I caught it on a read through. It didn't stop people from loving the story. I especially like your approach to romance. Harry and Cho never did it for me. Nor did Ginny. Harry and Dawn seem like a natural, and your habit of cross-house romance is seriously interesting. Draco and Ginny are fascinating. And thanks for sending Willow and Tara in different directions. My wife and I (who met at the old Bronze on line) were discussing this last night and neither of us liked the gay plot twist that Joss used. It felt like bad slash-fic at the time and still does.

Wow. Just... wow. "Thank God you de-lesbianed Tara because her as a lesbian felt wrong"? Okay, I think someone missed like, all of Seasons 4 through 6. Tara was introduced to be THE LESBIAN. Right, just to make sure you read it... THE LESBIAN. She has sex... with women. If you look at it, all of her action in the series can be traced back to the fact that she and Willow were tonguing each other's pussies. She did magic in the show... with Willow. She moved into and out of the house... because of Willow. She helped Buffy with resurrection because she was in on it... because of Willow. She died because she was there... with Willow.

If there was no 'gay plot twist', there would have been no Tara character in the show period beyond the cute blonde chick at the on-campus witch group shown in one episode. The two of them are so obvious from the first episode they're in together (I think the Gentlemen, but I could be wrong) that I remember winning $50 off my friend by making a bet that it'd be Willow/Tara after seeing that episode. Given that the subtext was that obvious that early, I doubt that if W/T wasn't in the cards that those scenes would have even been shot. Willow would have escaped on her own or if they wanted Tara just as a mentor character, she would have saved Willow. But from the first time they did the 'let's hold hands and do a spell together' thing? Totally obvious.

So let's recap:
1. Tara is a lesbian
2. Tara was in the show because she was a lesbian
3. If Willow didn't go over to the Dyke Side, Tara probably wouldn't have been in the show for more than one or two episodes
4. If you like Tara but don't like her as a lesbian... you're a fucktard

Labels: you fail at life

posted by JoeHundredaire @ 10:46 PM

Signs That Harry Potter Is About To Turn Gay

12.01.2006 | 0 Comments

If you've ever ventured into the Harry Potter section over on The Pit of Voles, you can see some rather horrific Harry Potter slash fics. So... I've decided to compile five signs that evidently indicate you've got Homo Potter on your hands.

1. Harry Potter has a magical creature in his genes. Somehow this, without fail, causes him to have a mating drive that completely defies two-gender biology and pushes him to stick his dick up someone's ass to induce MPreg.
2. Draco Malfoy has a magical creature in HIS genes. Although in this case, Harry gets it up the ass and shits out the baby.
Thought on #2: Given that it's usually a Veela, why doesn't the author just turn Draco into a girl? He's already an effeminate ponce and this way it's less faggoty than Boy!Draco/Harry...
3. Harry gets sorted into Slytherin AND is friends with Draco. Evidently, that is a recipe for a whole new kind of 'talking to snakes'.
4. Harry becomes suicidal/self-mutilating/anorexic. This will inevitably cause his friends to all betray and/or abandon him, forcing him to seek solace with the equally damaged Draco who turns out to be his perfect soulmate in an incredibly warped Romeo and Juliet way.
5. Harry finds out that James Potter wasn't really his father. This seems to generally induce a need to change one's entire life, along with a burning need to engage in buttsex.
6. Harry and/or Draco keep a diary or journal. Did you know that recording one's thoughts about your day can cause an inexplicable urge to go ass-spelunking?
7. Harry and Draco are single fathers. This actually leads to bigenerational faggotry, where the initiation of a relationship between Harry's child and Draco's child (usually both male, but I've seen otherwise) causes Draco and Harry to realize they enjoy exploring each others' rectum with their cock. Which leads to one big happy fucking family, which is about as creepy to me as Harry/Ginny because good GOD man, doesn't he realize Ginny looks like his MOTHER?! Freud would have a field day with JKR.

More later, I suppose...

Labels: you fail at life

posted by JoeHundredaire @ 5:04 AM

		Step In To My Parlor... Random ramblings, ficcings, and some occasional art. Mostly rambling, though.
		Top Ten Implausible Harry Potter Fic Premises From The Pit of Voles 12.29.2006 \| 0 Comments I'm no Minerva McTabby and this isn't Summary Execution, but I'll give it a good old never-went-to-college try... 10. For some reason Hogwarts decides to add a sex ed class and even though in the books it's 10 students in the Trio's year for Gryffindor and 20 if you slot it dual-house, there's miraculously an uneven number of students that forces Snape (oh, did I mention that Dumbledore thought he'd be the best person to teach this?) to pair up with Hermione and leads to inevitable hands-on "sex ed" ala bad porn film. 9. Any story whose summary contains the words "This story is based on true events". It's a fantasy land from a book series about magic. There is no way anything in your story happened to you in your life unless you're talking in the most vague sense of comparison or you were on a LOT of drugs at the time. 8. Severitus. Along with other alternate-paternity fics. Cuz, yunno, Lily was a giant slut like that. 7. "What if everything we ever read in JK Rowling’s books was real – including the people characterized?" Can't you at least try to be a bit more creative about the fact that you're about to Mary Sue yourself? The story's going to suck no matter what, but you could at least LOOK like you're putting effort into it. 6. My Mary Sue goes back in time/already exists in the 1970s because of course everyone knows that in the two or three years of schooling where guys actually want to date girls plus the four years between their graduation and Halloween 1981, Sirius and/or Remus absolutely MUST have had a soulmate with whom their ever-so-perfect relationship was destroyed because of that night. 5. Harry Potter is a neglected second son because <insert male name> Potter is the Boy-Who-Lived and the Gryffindor and everyone thinks he's the Chosen One, while 'Harry' Potter is a Slytherin and kicks total ass but nobody recognizes his greatness. Meaning, in actuality, the author wanted to write a Slytherin male lead but aren't desperate enough to try and turn Draco into the Boy-Who-Lived, so they renamed Harry to <insert male name> and gave the now free 'Harry Potter' designation to their original male character. 4. Draco/Ginny, Draco/Hermione, Draco/pretty much anyone. I'm sorry, it's not UST that causes him to fight with Ginny and Hermione. He's just a fucking prick. They hate each other. Hatred. It does happen once in a while. Seriously. It does. 3. Harry Potter being sexually abused by a Dursley. Cuz, yunno, they'd really wanna stick their cock up the ass of a 'freak', even if they WERE homosexually-inclined. 2. Anything involving #3-#10 and assertions of compliance with the canon in ANY of the books. 1. Slash. Labels: you fail at life posted by JoeHundredaire @ 11:45 PM 'nother Rant 12.28.2006 \| 0 Comments This is a review of a fic over on TtH that just made me sorta blink. There is, of course, no name attached to the reviewer, the author, or the story because if you're reading this, you'll probably recognize the story based on the information given. And on to the meat of things... This isn't really about a specific chapter, but rather a feedback on both stories to this point. You're doing pretty good so far in blending the universes. There were a couple of spelling and grammar issues, but who hasn't had those. Once upon a time, when using spellchecker while half awake, I turned "herfear" into "heifer", which was then dutifully posted and remained up for two weeks until I caught it on a read through. It didn't stop people from loving the story. I especially like your approach to romance. Harry and Cho never did it for me. Nor did Ginny. Harry and Dawn seem like a natural, and your habit of cross-house romance is seriously interesting. Draco and Ginny are fascinating. And thanks for sending Willow and Tara in different directions. My wife and I (who met at the old Bronze on line) were discussing this last night and neither of us liked the gay plot twist that Joss used. It felt like bad slash-fic at the time and still does. Wow. Just... wow. "Thank God you de-lesbianed Tara because her as a lesbian felt wrong"? Okay, I think someone missed like, all of Seasons 4 through 6. Tara was introduced to be THE LESBIAN. Right, just to make sure you read it... THE LESBIAN. She has sex... with women. If you look at it, all of her action in the series can be traced back to the fact that she and Willow were tonguing each other's pussies. She did magic in the show... with Willow. She moved into and out of the house... because of Willow. She helped Buffy with resurrection because she was in on it... because of Willow. She died because she was there... with Willow. If there was no 'gay plot twist', there would have been no Tara character in the show period beyond the cute blonde chick at the on-campus witch group shown in one episode. The two of them are so obvious from the first episode they're in together (I think the Gentlemen, but I could be wrong) that I remember winning $50 off my friend by making a bet that it'd be Willow/Tara after seeing that episode. Given that the subtext was that obvious that early, I doubt that if W/T wasn't in the cards that those scenes would have even been shot. Willow would have escaped on her own or if they wanted Tara just as a mentor character, she would have saved Willow. But from the first time they did the 'let's hold hands and do a spell together' thing? Totally obvious. So let's recap: 1. Tara is a lesbian 2. Tara was in the show because she was a lesbian 3. If Willow didn't go over to the Dyke Side, Tara probably wouldn't have been in the show for more than one or two episodes 4. If you like Tara but don't like her as a lesbian... you're a fucktard Labels: you fail at life posted by JoeHundredaire @ 10:46 PM Signs That Harry Potter Is About To Turn Gay 12.01.2006 \| 0 Comments If you've ever ventured into the Harry Potter section over on The Pit of Voles, you can see some rather horrific Harry Potter slash fics. So... I've decided to compile five signs that evidently indicate you've got Homo Potter on your hands. 1. Harry Potter has a magical creature in his genes. Somehow this, without fail, causes him to have a mating drive that completely defies two-gender biology and pushes him to stick his dick up someone's ass to induce MPreg. 2. Draco Malfoy has a magical creature in HIS genes. Although in this case, Harry gets it up the ass and shits out the baby. Thought on #2: Given that it's usually a Veela, why doesn't the author just turn Draco into a girl? He's already an effeminate ponce and this way it's less faggoty than Boy!Draco/Harry... 3. Harry gets sorted into Slytherin AND is friends with Draco. Evidently, that is a recipe for a whole new kind of 'talking to snakes'. 4. Harry becomes suicidal/self-mutilating/anorexic. This will inevitably cause his friends to all betray and/or abandon him, forcing him to seek solace with the equally damaged Draco who turns out to be his perfect soulmate in an incredibly warped Romeo and Juliet way. 5. Harry finds out that James Potter wasn't really his father. This seems to generally induce a need to change one's entire life, along with a burning need to engage in buttsex. 6. Harry and/or Draco keep a diary or journal. Did you know that recording one's thoughts about your day can cause an inexplicable urge to go ass-spelunking? 7. Harry and Draco are single fathers. This actually leads to bigenerational faggotry, where the initiation of a relationship between Harry's child and Draco's child (usually both male, but I've seen otherwise) causes Draco and Harry to realize they enjoy exploring each others' rectum with their cock. Which leads to one big happy fucking family, which is about as creepy to me as Harry/Ginny because good GOD man, doesn't he realize Ginny looks like his MOTHER?! Freud would have a field day with JKR. More later, I suppose... Labels: you fail at life posted by JoeHundredaire @ 5:04 AM	About Me Name: JoeHundredaire View my complete profile Links FanFiction.Net Profile Infectious Desire Edit-Me Subscribe to Posts [Atom] Previous Posts New Project Randomonium Interesting people I know Flaming sucks... Almost as funny as porn star entries on Wikipedia... Hahahahaha... twat OMGWTF?! You are made of lose Top Ten Implausible Harry Potter Fic Premises From... 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